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insomnia

Nov 17
Love0

Why Sleep Won’t Come: The Hidden Trap of Active Waiting

By effortless sleep, insomnia

A week ago, a student shared something with me that comes up regularly. He had come a long way in leaving the insomnia struggle in all regards except one: he wasn’t sleeping more.

He was no longer worried or anxious. He wasn’t taking supplements, listening to meditation tapes, or trying to force sleep in any way. He was no longer limiting his days, and was living a rich, fulfilling life.

The reason his nights were still unsettled? As surprising as it may sound, waiting for sleep to return can become the reason it doesn’t.

It all comes down to intent.

Less worry, living freely, and stepping away from efforts to control what can’t be controlled—these are wonderful shifts on their own. They’re deeply meaningful. But here’s the tricky part:

When we hear stories of someone who learned, practiced courage, let go of struggle, and then naturally found themselves sleeping more, it can accidentally create the impression that we’ve discovered a prescription for sleep:

Worry less. Live more. Drop efforts. Then sleep will happen.

So when all those boxes have been checked—when we believe the “prescription” is complete—we start waiting for sleep to kick in.

This is when the waiting game begins.

We’ve fulfilled all the requirements, and now we anticipate that sleep should follow. We watch. We monitor. We quietly hope. We wait.

But sleep has such a passive nature that the very act of waiting—of anticipating its arrival—creates a level of arousal that keeps us awake.

This can be confusing. We aren’t struggling. We aren’t fearful. We aren’t trying to control sleep. We’ve done everything “right.”  So why aren’t we sleeping more? Are we a unique case after all?

No. We’re just actively waiting.

Which brings us to a subtle but important point: “waiting” can mean two very different things.

Sometimes students say that after they stopped worrying and left the struggle, they just “waited,” and eventually sleep followed. But in those moments, “waiting” simply meant that time passed. They were just living—doing things that were important to them, showing up for their days, and letting life move forward naturally. There was no tracking, no prediction, no expectation.

Active waiting, on the other hand—keeping an eye on the clock, monitoring how long it’s been, trying to forecast when sleep will return—that is the waiting game. And that is what keeps sleep at arm’s length.

And, as so often happens in this world, simply understanding what has been happening can lead to change.

When we see the value of being less worried and living freely for its own sake—not as a strategy to make sleep happen—we naturally stop watching for sleep. We stop checking the timeline. We stop anticipating.

And we start living.

Just living. Doing things that are important to us. And here’s the beautiful part: you are no longer waiting when you are busy living your life—meeting friends, pursuing hobbies, being with your family, creating, and doing the things that matter deeply to you.

In that space, there is no monitoring. No timeline. No waiting. And when the waiting game ends, peaceful sleep begins to find its way back on its own.

Oct 27
Love0

When Will My Insomnia End? Realizing Recovery Is Not Measured in Time

By Common Insomnia Questions, effortless sleep, insomnia, insomnia treatment

If you’re a high-achieving professional who thrives on schedules, deadlines, and measurable results, you probably expect the same logic to apply to sleep. Yet if you struggle with chronic insomnia, you’ve likely discovered the frustrating truth: no matter how much you achieve during the day, restful sleep often remains elusive. You’ve done everything right… except understand sleep.

A Moment of Insight

During a coaching call with one of our Sleep Coach School trainees, she paused and shared a simple but powerful insight: “Recovery is not measured in time.”

For adults who overthink and overachieve, this idea can feel almost radical. We naturally track progress in hours, days, or weeks — at work, at the gym, in every project we manage. But sleep is different. It is automatic and effortless, and the more we try to control it, the more it resists.

The Timeless Way

What do you measure in units of time in your life? Seconds, hours, weeks, years — the list is endless.

Maybe it’s been two years since your last oil change, or you add 15 seconds to the microwave to get your popcorn juuuust right. Measuring time helps us manage daily life. So why not apply it to insomnia recovery?

Because sleep struggles come from pressure. Insomnia arises when we try to force sleep — and setting timelines only adds to that pressure. When we say, “My goal is to be over insomnia in two months,” we start tracking, comparing, and trying harder when we feel we fall short.

That mental environment is the opposite of peaceful — and peace of mind is exactly what allows sleep to return. Imagine life without milestones or deadlines. This low-stakes inner landscape is where everything we want begins to flow naturally, including sleep.

Why Time Isn’t a Measure of Recovery

People recover from insomnia in very different ways. Some sleep “normally” but spend every waking moment worrying about sleep. Others sleep little but live calm, untroubled lives. If we measured recovery by hours of sleep alone, we’d miss the point: true recovery is freedom from anxiety and pressure around sleep.

Many adults chasing solutions spend years on supplements, books, and courses, still seeing no change. Others wake in the night, think, “What if I can’t fall back asleep?” — and simply let it be. Interestingly, the latter often find relief sooner.

The key takeaway: recovery isn’t about time; it’s about letting go.

How to Gauge Your Progress

A simple way to assess where you are: notice how you respond to the statement, “There’s nothing you can do to make sure you sleep.”

  • If it makes your heart race or your mind rush to object, you’re likely at the beginning of your recovery journey — meaning there’s much understanding and relief ahead.
  • If you feel calm or a sense of acceptance, you’re nearing the end of your insomnia journey.

For the overthinking professional, this can feel counterintuitive: letting go of control, stepping away from timelines, and trusting that sleep will return on its own. Yet it’s precisely this low-pressure approach that allows deep, restorative sleep to flow naturally.

Think back to the start: you’ve accomplished so much in your life — projects completed, goals met, challenges overcome — yet sleep has remained elusive. Recovery from insomnia is just another kind of achievement, but one that isn’t earned through effort, schedules, or deadlines. It’s earned through acceptance, patience, and creating space for peace of mind.

True recovery isn’t measured in days, weeks, or months. It’s measured in how gently you can respond to sleepless nights, how freely you live despite them, and how willing you are to let go of the pressure to control the uncontrollable. As one of our trainees reminded us: “Recovery is not measured in time.”

And that simple insight — letting go of time — may be exactly what finally allows you to sleep peacefully night after night.

Oct 23
Love0

What should I do when insomnia strikes?

By effortless sleep, insomnia, insomnia treatment

Did you know that this is one of the most common wordings we use when we ask what to do when we have trouble sleeping? 

It’s not difficult to see why, because when we suddenly find ourselves anxiously awake at night, we can feel as if we have been struck. 

Now the answer to what to do in this situation, paradoxically, lies in taking a close look at the very question we are posing. 

When we use the word strike, we are implying that something has hit us. Someone or something has landed a blow that kept us awake rather than knocked us out. 

And naturally, when we feel attacked, we want to defend ourselves. We want to strike back. 

But before we do something drastic, it truly helps to look at where exactly the first blow came from?

The first blow

Here’s the thing, when our brain senses that we are in some form of danger, it activates our safety system, our fight and flight system. As part of this system being activated, we become more perceptive, more vigilant and more awake. 

This of course is really helpful when we are facing a real danger like having to drive when it’s snowing. But sometimes this system can be confused. 

Insomnia is a struggle we experience when we have become afraid of not sleeping, which is another way of saying we are afraid of being vigilant. 

And remember, that vigilance was part of our safety system. Insomnia happens when we are literally afraid of our body’s own safety system. 

The first blow does not come from an opponent or adversary that means to hurt us. Rather, we are struck by alertness and anxiety, both part of how our brain keeps us safe. 

If we attempt to strike back, all we will do is reinforce the idea that we are in danger, the very idea that created insomnia in the first place. 

On the other hand, when we make no attempt to fight, to escape or to strike at anything, then we are reinforcing the truth: there’s been a misunderstanding, nothing else. 

The last blow

As counterintuitive as it may sound, it’s when we make no attempts to fight back that our brain understands that there’s nothing out there to get us. 

We are safe. 

When this has been seen, there are no more blows or strikes. Only peace of mind and peaceful sleep.

Oct 12
Love0

Can insomnia be cured?

By effortless sleep, insomnia

If you’ve asked yourself whether insomnia can be cured, you’ve probably been quite worried. Before we even answer the question, a virtual hug is in order. 

Everything will be fine.

Regardless of how long you’ve struggled, how intense the troubles have been or any other circumstances, every human can have peaceful sleep. 

We will see how in a second, but to answer the question of whether insomnia can be cured, the short answer is no. Because here lies the rub: insomnia is not a disorder or a disease. 

Insomnia is a misunderstanding.

Insomnia is a learned mindset where one restless night at some point made us anxious, and made us try to prevent it from happening again. 

And this is the thing, sleep is a passive process. It happens all by itself when we aren’t trying to make it happen. 

By trying to prevent a second restless night, the passivity, the effortlessness goes away and we have a second restless night. 

We try more and more things to sleep, inadvertently teaching ourselves that this is how one should respond. With time, our new normal becomes one of rituals, supplements, avoidance, medication and ongoing sleep struggles.

Months or years of struggle can come from our attempts at preventing that first night when we didn’t sleep well. 

But we are not ill. 

There’s no condition or illness or malady to cure. There’s simply been a misunderstanding.

Knowing this, it’s easy to see that the way we return to sleeping well is through education. 

You could say that education is the cure, but then again the “disorder” would be confusion, nothing else. 

And fortunately, you’ve come to a place full of education about sleep and insomnia. 

Education which will not only lead to you no longer asking whether insomnia can be cured, but to that place we all want to be in: peaceful sleep and peace of mind.

May 20
Love0

Become a sleep detective

By cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, effortless sleep, insomnia, insomnia treatment

Have you ever dreamed of becoming a private investigator? Someone looking to uncover clues and find evidence revealing that indeed, it was the butler! If so, know that when you struggle with sleep, the type of work that you dreamed of can serve you really well. 

 

When you experience insomnia, you know that this is not a struggle that is isolated to the night. It is a 24 hour problem because how you feel during the day is always completely dependent on how many hours and minutes you slept the preceding night. 

 

Or is it?

 

Time for detective work! And remember, the most valuable clues may be the most difficult to find. Before you start, ponder for a minute what you are looking for and how this work will help you. 

 

Consider first if you would sleep better if you were very pressured to sleep, let’s say someone had offered you a big sum of money if you could sleep for 7 hours starting now (!), or if there was no such pressure.



You would probably agree that the more imperative it becomes to sleep, the more elusive those zzz’s become. In fact, studies have shown that when incentivized with money, we sleep less.



Now there are other things than money that can be used for pressure or incentive, like work performance. Or mental clarity. And how about just overall wellness?



Imagine the pressure to sleep that comes from thinking every aspect of your day depends on you getting the maximal amount of shuteye. It can become pretty intense!

 

This is why your detective work is so important.

You are looking for pieces of evidence that contradicts the thought that your days are entirely dependent on your night.


That time you slept very little and you still did well on your exam, hold on to it. That time you slept fine but still felt groggy all day, take that down in your notepad. 

 

When you look at all the clues you have unearthed, a new picture emerges. Yes, when you sleep better, you do feel better in general, but sleep is not all that matters!


And now you can take your investigative work a step further.


Look for what else makes you have a good day. What are things you have more control over than sleep that makes you feel energized and happy?

 

The sum of all your hard work becomes exactly what you need, less pressure.


When you know that sleep is far from the only thing that determines how well you feel or perform the next day, you have less of an incentive to sleep. When there’s less incentive, there is less pressure and when there’s less pressure – refreshing and peaceful sleep will soon happen. 

 

Aug 05
Love0

Why you’re hitting the sleep safety stop

By cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, healthy sleep, insomnia

Based on all you’ve heard about sleep, how you should have the temperature in your room set at a very specific number, how you should avoid certain spices and have more of others, how the amount of blue wavelength needs to be regulated at night, it may seem as though sleep is complicated. Factor in your own experiences where some things seem to have worked and others not, and that thought seems to have been confirmed. 

If you’ve felt this way, you’re in good company. For pretty much everyone with trouble sleeping, sleep seems complicated. And that, thinking of sleep as complicated and complex can make you feel things are hopeless and become a real speed bump on your path towards sleeping better. 

So here’s something important to know – sleep isn’t complicated.

When you start learning what makes your body sleep or stay awake, you’ll see that things aren’t at all as confusing as they may have seemed. And that will truly help you to get those zzzs you’ve been missing out on. So let’s get started!

The gas and the brake

There are only two factors that determine how well you sleep: your gas pedal and your brake pedal. That’s it, the gas and the brake. Depending on which of them is pushed down you either sleep or stay awake. 

The gas pedal is another way of describing sleepiness. The sleepier you are, the more gas you have. And the only thing that can make you sleepy is…

…wakefulness! In a yin-yang type of way, wakefulness is the one and only thing that can make you sleep, and without sleep there can be no wakefulness.

Most who have trouble sleeping have enough gas. Insomnia rarely is a gas problem. But it can be. 

If you for example sleep in after nights of little sleep, take naps or tend to fall asleep on the couch in the evening. You have a gas problem. You don’t have enough for sleep to happen at night. But for most with trouble sleeping, it is the braking that is the issue. This said, you have a brake pedal for a very important reason. 

There are times when you are not supposed to sleep even if you’re sleepy. And these are the times your brake pedal saves you. In fact, it could literally save your life. 

Imagine if the smoke detector went off at night and you had no brake pedal. Or imagine if you were about to go to sleep only to realize that you forgot you were supposed to pick up your friend at the airport. 

The gas pedal is there to make sure we don’t sleep when it is not an appropriate time to be unconscious. It’s a super important part of our sleep system. The only problem – sometimes we hit the brake because of a misunderstanding. 

Sometimes our brain has gotten the idea that being sleepless is a threat and ironically, it hits the brake pedal to save us from sleeplessness and produces a whole bunch more of it in the process!

Education is key in getting past insomnia.

So how do you teach your brain that it doesn’t need to push the brake pedal at night? The answer is just as simple as the sleep system itself – education.

When you understand for example this gas and brake model, you spend less time trying to figure out if cumin or glutamine is what’s keeping you awake. And the less mystery, the more you understand sleep, the less worried you become – the more you’ll ease up on the brake pedal.  

When you’ve understood completely why you had trouble sleeping and you’re not the least anxious, well then you’ve done it. Then you’ll never again press that brake pedal because of a misunderstanding. Rather, it will be all gas, no brake and amazing sleep for the rest of your life!

 

Jul 31
Love0

Make wakefulness your friend

By effortless sleep, insomnia, insomnia treatment

There are many ways to think of insomnia that help you understand what’s really going on. You can think of it as trying to control something (sleep) that like a bar of soap gets more and more slippery the harder you try to hold on. You can think of it as a problem that is made worse by problem solving. Or, you can think of it as a series of botched jailbreaks, where every time you tried busting out, you ended up where you started. 

This last way of looking at insomnia, as an attempt to escape, is very helpful because it teaches you in a very practical way how to get back to sleeping well. But to do that, you have to understand what it is you are trying to run away from. 

Insomnia is defined as “habitual sleeplessness”. In other words, sleep isn’t happening and this has been going on for a while. And it is this, sleeplessness that you are trying to escape. 

When you make sure you’re avoiding spicy food at night – you’re trying to get away from sleeplessness. When you turn your electronics off early in the evening – you’re attempting to dodge a sleepless night. The thing you’re running from is sleeplessness.

Now this is all very understandable, we all want to have less of something we don’t like. The problem though is that there has been a bit of a misunderstanding. A bit of a mix-up in that ancient alarm system we call the amygdala.

The amygdala is there to keep us safe from tangible physical threats, and a great way to do that is to run and hide. It’s very important to have a functioning amygdala when we are about to cross a railroad track or the fire alarm goes off. Because you really can escape being hit by a train or hurt by fire. But when sleeplessness pops up on the amygdala radar, things get prickly.

As you can’t actually run away from sleeplessness, it appears as if sleeplessness is a really big problem and the amygdala tries even more to run away. Making the problem seem even larger. And suddenly you have “habitual sleeplessness”.

Now, having explained how insomnia happens, here’s the insight that will help you get past it without effort: Sleeplessness is just another word for being awake. 

Think about it for a minute. Being sleepless really just means not sleeping which is the same thing as being awake. In other words, here’s the big one: What you are trying to do is escaping wakefulness!

All this time, everything you’ve done is to try to avoid, resist and run away from being awake. And ironically, by trying to be awake, that’s exactly what has happened. You’ve been “habitually awake” if you will.

So, what to do? Make wakefulness your friend. 

It may sound like too simple of a fix to a problem that has had you all up in arms, but it really isn’t much more to it. Teach your amygdala that being awake is not a threat or a problem and surprising as this may sound, beautiful sleep will start coming your way. 

Now you may wonder, how do I make wakefulness a friend? Same way you treat any other one, show them a good time!

When it is bedtime or even in the middle of the night, do something you enjoy. Read a great book, binge on that Hulu show, play some banjo or write a novel.

Wait a minute, you may say, isn’t that going to make me wake up even more? If that thought popped into your head, you’re in good company! Almost everyone that has had trouble sleeping reacts with some variation of this question. But if you think about it, you already know the answer.

It is your trying to escape wakefulness, the mix-up in your amygdala where being awake was being identified as a problem, that got you into a fix the first time. So even if yes, you may be more awake for a night or two, you’ve started to make wakefulness your friend. 

And when a foe becomes a friend, when you truly look forward to being awake, even at an inconvenient time, you will sleep better than you ever imagined possible. 

 

Jul 23
Love0

Where did my sleepiness go?!?

By cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, healthy sleep, insomnia

Have you ever wondered how something that was right there, something that felt so tangible and strong, could simply vanish into thin air?

You were literally forcing yourself to stay awake just another hour, head bobbing, eyelids heavy but the second you decided to turn the lights off, your sleepiness went poof. 

This is one of the most common phenomena that seem weird when you have trouble sleeping.

In reality, there’s no mystery as to what happens.

Let’s start with another example of when a feeling disappears very suddenly.

Imagine that you’re out camping with your friends. It’s been a long day and you feel tired. You’re just hanging out around the campfire waiting to have one more hot dog before calling it a day. Suddenly, a Grizzly bear charges hops out from behind a tree and charges at you. At that very moment, your fatigue is no more. It has vanished.

The reason you don’t find this the least surprising is that you expect the experience of a charging Grizzly bear to have a very alerting effect on you. Going to bed, well that’s an entirely different matter. Isn’t it?

Not really it turns out. 

Our brains have one core mission – to keep us safe and alive. Identifying threats is one way it does just that. And when a threat is identified, it deploys a fight or flight response to make sure nothing happens to us. The only problem is that it can get confused.

When it comes to insomnia, the misunderstanding that has occurred is that sleeplessness has been incorrectly tagged as a threat. Something that can harm you and should be avoided. And the brain treats all threats with the same approach: the fight or flight response. 

When you’ve had trouble sleeping, the mere act of going to bed, turning the lights off or even thinking about sleep makes the brain go into the mode of self preservation. It’s gearing up for an anticipated struggle and that, that’s the reason why your sleepiness disappears the moment you want to sleep. 

This is an important illustration of the most basic truth when it comes to sleep – the more you want it the less you get. When you want to stay awake on the other hand, in the evening some hours before bedtime, sleep comes easy. 

So what to do?

Education is the key.

When you understand how sleep works the mystery starts to unravel. When you see that sleeplessness is a perceived threat that cannot actually harm you, you stop worrying. When you have no doubts whatsoever, when it’s completely clear to you why you’ve had trouble sleeping, sleep will come your way. 

And a great start is understanding why sleepiness seems to vanish at night!

 

Jun 04
Love0

3 things to do when you are awake at night

By cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, healthy sleep, insomnia

Out of all the questions about sleep, perhaps the single most common one is this – What should I do when I wake up at night? And this is no surprise. You could argue that insomnia at its core is about being awake when you should be asleep. And you typically want to be asleep a night.

So what are these three things you should do when this ain’t happening? Before we go there, we need to spend a few moments on sleep physiology to make sure the answer makes sense.

Think about that person you know who sleeps fantastic. Your friend/spouse/family member who’s asleep before their head hits the pillow. The one you’re envious of. Imagine asking them what they do to sleep so well. Most likely they’d simply reply with a shrug and a confused look. And that response is super important.

Sleep is a passive process. Sleep only happens when there’s no effort. The more you try/want/hope to sleep, the less you get.

That covered, let’s get to it!

1. Accept reality

When you wake up and become aware of being awake at night, yet again, your instinct is naturally to do something to make yourself fall back asleep. Perhaps listen to a soothing podcast, close your eyes and still your mind or count down from 100 in steps of 7.

This may seem like a sensible thing to do. Your brain is awake and active, and you want it to become relaxed and sleep. The only problem with this approach is that you’re trying to make yourself sleep. And the more you try, the more awake you become.

The first thing to do when you are awake at night is in fact a what not to do. And a very important one too – do not do anything that you hope will make you fall asleep.

This includes obvious ones like closing your eyes hard and trying to force your brain to shut down but also more camouflaged attempts like reading a boring book. You can’t fool your brain. If you’re picking up the most boring book you know, you’re trying to make yourself fall asleep.

2. Take an inner journey

If you’re awake in bed, but feel comfortable under those warm blankets and don’t want to be anywhere else, then go somewhere nice using your imagination.

Think of a pleasant memory or a tropical beach or anything else that makes you feel good.

If this comes easy to you, then just stay in bed and enjoy the imagery you’re creating. If your thoughts easily drift off, so will you soon enough.

3. Do something fun!

If taking that inner journey isn’t actually taking you anywhere, if you keep thinking of how you’re awake when you should be asleep, then you have to do something else to redirect your thoughts. What is most important when you decide what to do is this – you have to do something enjoyable!

Read a page turner. Listen to a podcast you’ve been dying to catch up on. See what happens in the next episode of that Netflix show.

You think that this would wake you up even more. But it will do the opposite. Because when you’re not afraid of waking up, your brain stops treating awakenings as something to get excited about.

In fact, when you get to a point where you genuinely look forward to waking up – you no longer do!

There you have it. This is your playbook. Now you no longer have to wonder what to do when you’re awake at night, which is in itself super important. Because the deliberation and ponder of whether to do this or that in itself produces so much anxiety and insomnia.

So go ahead and pick that activity you’ll get to enjoy when you’re awake. Customize your playbook. Start using it today and sleep better in no time!

Dec 12
Love0

You are special – your insomnia is not

By cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, healthy sleep, insomnia

Most with trouble sleeping feel that their situation is different, often strange and even bizarre. And it’s not hard to see why this is the case. We shall explore this in a second because it is very important. Believing that your insomnia is unique takes to down a path of looking for a unique underlying reason and treatment. A journey that only leads to more confusion and frustration. Believing that your insomnia is ordinary on the other hand, leads you to see how the approach described here, that works for so many others, will also work for you.

Let’s start at the very beginning – someone going through a series of sleepless nights. From the inside perspective, not sleeping for a stretch of time can seem very strange. Sleeping being something very natural, like eating or thinking, it can seem bizarre that it just isn’t happening.

But as mentioned, this is just the beginning.

Next, having become a bit worried and perplexed, one may want to try to do something about the fact that sleep isn’t happening. Surely taking some melatonin and keeping the bedroom dark should take care of it.

When nothing changes, perplexed becomes confused. When even more efforts make no difference. Confused becomes clueless. And the insomnia at this point starts seeming strange and unique. One may conclude that it is in fact an unusual form because it didn’t respond to anything or because of other circumstances including:

  • You have not trouble falling asleep, just staying asleep
  • You don’t feel sleepy during the day
  • Your insomnia started after menopause
  • You have not trouble staying asleep, just falling asleep
  • Everyone in your family has it
  • You’ve had trouble sleeping all your life

Here’s the thing, we are all unique human beings. Our experiences are unique and many circumstances surrounding our troubles sleeping are unique – but the insomnia isn’t.

Either there’s too little gas or too much braking going on. You’re not sleepy enough and hyperarousal is keeping you from sleeping.

That’s it.

Although it may not seem like it, nothing else matters when it comes to insomnia. Not the coffee, not light exposure, not the neighbor’s cat. Sure, many things can cause some disturbed sleep, but staying up for hours struggling – that’s different. That’s a gas and/or brake problem.

There are many reasons why you may feel that your trouble sleeping is different, strange and unique. It’s not. Neither is the belief that it is different, strange or unique. It is a very common and ordinary belief.

This is not to belittle what you’re going through. Saying that the insomnia is not unique is not saying that it hasn’t had a big impact on your life. But the belief that you have a different kind of insomnia can keep you in a sleepless loop.

You are a unique and special person, but know that your insomnia is ordinary, everyday, uninteresting, regular insomnia. This can make you see how you, just like anyone else with regular insomnia, can go on see progress using the insights and habit changes here.

And that is the path to a place of sleeping well indefinitely.